In the past couple of months I've been enjoying reading Amy Dacyczyn's Tightwad Gazette books. As I've been slowly going through them, many things made me nod my head, some were "aha" moments and only a couple of times I had to raise my brows (mostly at unimaginable prices some ten years ago).
But one of the topic that really attracted my attention was based on a few letters when her readers shared how their parents' spending choices and examples shaped their whole financial health. Many said that they are savvy with money because their folks taught them to be.
It immediately took me down memory lane and made me wonder, mostly due to the fact that my own Mom and Dad are total opposites when it comes to their finances. I think, this story takes roots even further, starting with my grandparents (as far as I can remember) and how different they were.
Even though my parents are both Russian, my Mom was born and raised in Estonia - a small country that used to be a part of the USSR but was a whole different world. Growing up, Mom's family wasn't rich but they had everything they needed and then some. My Grandma died young, so grandfather remarried a beautiful, independent, yet soft-spoken woman who had a life-long, never fulfilled dream of becoming an actress. It was her second marriage too. She took on a man with three little children and brought love and order into the family. When they got married, she was working in an unusual store. Back then, in soviet Russia they were called "The Currency store". Basically, they were dealing with merchandise from different countries (like swiss chocolate or Czechoslovakian boots - a dream for many Soviet women).My Grandpa served in the army and was also well set. My mother never felt deprived and had some things that other girls could only dream of...
My Dad's parents were divorced, and his father was not in the picture since he was five. When he was younger, my Dad would spend most of his time with his grandparents while Grandma was finishing medical school and working two jobs. The doctors in Russia, though well respected, do not make much money (seriously, more like teachers. There is no comparison to US docs!) My Dad's family never had much and struggled all their life.
But what is interesting is that looking at my granparents' houses on both sides, Dad's Mom always had more stuff. Significantly more! In fact, I believe, she's on the border of being a hoarder. She would spend huge chunks of her salary on clothes, household items and china (and I do love my Grandma dearly but all of her possessions always meant a great deal to her).
Where am I going with this? Well, my parents are very different in their spending habits. After being married for 35 years, they are still not on the same page. In fact, my Mom sometimes hides part of her income from my Dad. Because he took after his Mom. He could spend his whole salary in one day, mostly on fancy new foods and books. I'm pretty sure they have close to a thousand books in their 1-bedroom apartment...
When I was younger, my Mom used to say that I'm a lot like my Dad in regards to spending habits. And honestly, she had her reasons for saying it. Back then, I could spend my whole salary on clothes, make up and little trinkets. My parents never asked me to contribute to the family fund and, I'm ashamed to say, it never occurred to me.
But when I started living on my own, I realized the true value of money and spending versus financial peace of mind. This mindset change wasn't overnight. But slowly all of the lessons my Mom and Dad intentionally and subconsciously taught me throughout my childhood, started coming up to the surface.
I did learn a lot about money from my folks, from both their example and their mistakes. And I hope to be able to teach some of the lessons to my own kids too, both right and wrong. I'm thankful for everything I could learn from my parents because it has been and is shaping who I am in many ways.
What about you? Did you learn from your folks to be savvy or learn from their mistakes? Or maybe, a little bit of both, like me?
I seen my parents struggle most of their lives, living on a factory income until much later years in my teens. The saved for everything, bought on time, it was not easy but never did without the basics. I have always been frugal about spending however certainly worry about the younger generations. You do well Lena, and seemingly learned much from your parents x
ReplyDeleteThank you, Cindy! I've definitely learned a lot and still learning :)
DeleteAll three of my kids say the best thing I ever did was include them in family meetings from the time they were young. They were always aware of our finances...not in a heavy the world is going to end tomorrow way but more this is what our elect, gas, food, etc were. We still have them but need to have them more often. Believe me it really did help them
ReplyDeleteThat is a wonderful idea. We try to include kids too, at least a 7-year old because ever since he started school, the amount of wants" (or "needs" in his mind :) has increased dramatically. It does bring him back to reality when we talk money with him in a simple way.
DeleteMy parents spending and saving habits are mine as well. My dad would save and then spend like crazy. I do the same. My mom saved, saved, and hid her money from dad. I do that too. So, I guess I am a little "bi-polar" when it comes to money. Trying to find a good balance has always been the problem.
ReplyDeleteYes, I'm still working on this balance too :) I think, a few rude life awakenings - like health problems- helped me a lot along the way!
DeleteYou never know with kids whether they will do just what their parents did or the opposite. However, both my husband and I learned from our parents to spend within our means and be very careful with debt. We follow that today. Our kids seemed to have learned the same lessons.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you can share your experience with us. It gives me hope :) And I personally know how you can do the opposite from what you've been taught. I guess, in my case I can always blame it on another parent, lol :)
DeleteMy mom and dad both grew up poor in large families in Newfoundland. They were strict Roman Catholic and birth control was frowned upon then, so babies kept coming. My moms dad became an alcoholic later in life, but somehow managed to squirrel away a lot of money. My mom is amazing with money. I attribute this to her having grown up poor but also to her coming to Christ at 24 and faithfully giving to the Lord and committing every dollar to him since. Though my mom stayed home while we were growing up and has never worked full time, she managed my fathers income well. My parents are very comfortable in retirement and they are the most unselfish and generous people I know. I aspire to be more like my mom.
ReplyDeleteMy father would be like your father if not for my mom. My father would likely have nothing to show for his hard work if he did not have my moms guidance in finances. He grew up poor too, and joined the military at 18. I admire my fathers faith in the Lord and his integrity. My father always wanted me to avoid mistakes he had made with money, but in doing so was partly responsible for me being completely indecisive. I agonize over making money decisions because I do not want to make a mistake. So I suppose I learned a bit from both my mom and dad. I am glad I did.
Your family sounds a lot like mine, Theresa! :) I think, my Dad would be eating Ramen noodles by the end of the month if it wasn't for my Mom :)
DeleteMy parents were TERRIBLE with money. They were always in debt, never made enough money, always drove broken down cars, lived in run down houses, etc etc. I learned absolutely nothing from them, not even how to grocery shop LOL They never discussed household bills with us, their kids, and as a result, I had no clue regarding how to run a house or how to budget, how to shop, save, etc. It's a shame because, although my parents seem to be better with regard to managing money, I have still had to tell my father that he can't afford to trade in a perfectly good car for a gas guzzling truck that he feels he must have to impress other people. When I told him that, he looked at me as though he had never considered the financial ramifications of owning a larger vehicle. I shake my head. My finances were a wreck for decades but they aren't any longer, thank goodness. Now, I seem to be the one telling my parents what they can and can't afford LOL
ReplyDeleteI'm really happy that you are on the right path right now and trying to do your best for your family!
DeleteI think we are born with some of the instincts of money management ...the old 'nature' vs 'nurture', in fact. I am very systematic in saving and keeping track of my money, and have been from a young age, even when I had only few pennies of pocket money to manage. The rest of my family are completely opposite, so I don't think I learned this from them.
ReplyDeleteI know people who really like their possessions, and I think to some extent this is fine, if you live within your means, and it is something that you truly want. I think it took me a while to understand what kind of a personality I am, and buy things that I needed or wanted, not because all the Joneses had them.
Nan
You are an inspiration for me, Nan! I'm still working on this balance between wants and needs but I'm getting better and better every year :) I don't mind having or wanting nicer things in life but for the price that you can comfortably afford.
DeleteI could write a book. Instead it seemed better to link to my blog posts with my story: http://bluehousejournal.blogspot.com/2013/06/a-family-financial-history-part-1.html will take you to Part 1 of 2 parts. Needless to say my family's history of finances dictated my financial life as an adult until I learned to do differently. I love what Teresa said above about her mother tithing and turning over every dollar after that to God. We do the same, praying over the check when it comes in and praying over how it is used for bills and spending. It's amazing the way the money has covered needs despite lack of raises over the years. Just last week I had to buy new shoes and we made another purchase (saving money in the future by buying now) and we still had a little over from the last check. I am astonished each time I make a meal, even though I try to cook only for two at how our foods stretch into extra meals. I give it all to learning all we could and trusting God for wisdom.
ReplyDeleteAmen to that, Terri! I've seen so many blessings in my life from paying tithing. There were times when it was very close but we always had enough!
DeleteThis is so interesting! My parents were always good with money-budgeting and bargain shopping. Unfortunately in my 20s I went the opposite way and got into some credit card debt. Thankfully now my husband and I are on the same page-we're both very frugal and debt free!
ReplyDeleteSusan
It's wonderful, Susan! Being deft-free definitely sets you free :)
DeleteGreetings from Estonia! I have been reading your blog for a while but have not commented until now.
ReplyDeleteI am 32, so I remember the Soviet times quite well. There were so many things that people in the "West" don't understand like permits to buy furniture, cars, washing machine etc. You could have all the money in the world but if you didn't have a "permit of purchase", you could not buy the thing you needed. So it was difficult to get into consumer debt as there was a constant lack of any and all kind of consumer goods. For example, disposable sanitary towels or tampons did not exist (and for that reason were not on sale in shops) until almost 1990. Ladies, do you want to imagine that?
My parents have always been hard-working and selfsufficient (as you had to be in Soviet times if you wanted to have clothes or make renovations etc) but they did not share the state of our finances with us. The other problem was that I never had a fixed amount of pocket money or allowance to learn to manage with a set amount of money for a set time period. I have had to learn that the hard way and that is the reason why both my daughters get fixed monthly pocket money from the time they start school.
Hey, hey, hey!! Glad to see you here, and thank you for leaving a comment :) And I do remember...umm... reusable pads...Considering the fact that my parents got their first washing machine well into my teenage years, it's not exactly a memory I want to bring back, lol :)
DeleteI think, living in Estonia was a little different for my grandparents and their kids because my Grandpa was high up in the Russian army down in Tallinn, hence decent income, prestige and, most importantly, connections (obviously, only until they were asked to leave the country. That was a rude awakening for them!), and my Grandma's place of employment gave her access to almost anything and everything they needed.. for the right price, of course :)
But I know exactly what you mean when it comes to debt because the only debt we could get into back then was when you borrow 3 rubles from your neighbor until the next pay day :) My grandparents were well set but the weren't rich by any means.
Most of my childhood my parents were poor. I remember when our tiny black-and-white TV broke down, it took them three years to replace it! But then almost everybody else was too :) But after the USSR fell, my Mom kept her frugal habits and my Dad, I think, is trying to catch up on everything he missed, lol! They still manage to find their own balance somehow, and I'm grateful that I can learn from both of them!
Funny how now in North America women are trying reusable pads to save money :)
DeleteGreat post Lena. My used to like spending and got herself into debt a few times. My dad was careful and insisted on saving for items before buying. Because dad was careful he was able to bale mum out. I am very lucky in that I have inherited dads carefulness and weigh up all possibilities before making a decision and never been in debt. I have learnt so much from some frugal blogs that I am still managing to keep my head above water during my current chapter in life.
ReplyDeleteCarolx
One thing I've learned from months of unemployment is that hardships are much easier when you know how to balance your finances and to stay frugal! I'm glad you took the best from the lessons of your childhood.
DeleteMy parents are both terrible with money and I followed their lead. My Mum is a spender - but has the money and just wastes it. My Dad was a gambler and now has no money in his old age. I had terrible money habits until I hit 40, then I finally woke up....thankfully.
ReplyDeleteIt's really hard to see your loved ones struggling like this. It brakes my heart to see my Grandma buying and buying stuff that she doesn't need, can't use, yet she can't stop. My Mom pays some of her bills every months, so she wouldn't lose her place. It's tough!
DeleteI think, you've learned a lot from the mistakes your parents made, and you are definitely on the right path!
My parents were VERY frugal - nothing got thrown out and both my mom and dad had many tricks to stretch my dad's small paycheque - my dad used to hunt every Saturday and bring home rabbits to stretch the grocery budget, he also used to bring home watercress, elderberries etc growing in the wild when out on his jaunts. My mom was a gifted writer so she wrote children's stories which were published in magazines and schoolbooks. We never felt like we were poor. Their frugal ways have passed on to all 5 of us kids - we really know how to stretch a buck!
ReplyDeleteThat is interesting, and after brief reflection, I did spend exactly like my mother (who raised me) all through my young adult life, and I paid dearly for it having to restore my credit. ;)
ReplyDeletemy parents are still very frugal...if they could not afford it, then they would not buy it. They bought everything with cash (so to cut out the interest rate) minus their home. I definitely took after my dad...
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