Thursday, May 15, 2014

The burden of children.

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I had some other ideas for posts for the past two days, but I read something yesterday that I just cannot get out of my head. Ever since I was pregnant with my now 4-year old, I was a part of a group "Bargain Hunters" on the famous and well-known, especially among mothers, website "Babycenter". Honestly, many topics on this group are far from having anything to do with saving money, so I haven't been there for a while until the other day when I remembered it and decided to check it out. And I stumbled upon this particular conversation. It literally stopped me on my tracks...

I have such mixed and painful feelings about it, and that's all I could think of for the past two days. You know that I have two amazing boys who I love to pieces. But when I got pregnant with my first, my husband and I had only been married for five weeks. Considering he was born two weeks early, I sometimes have people visibly doing math in their heads when I mention that he was born before our first anniversary. When I found out I was pregnant, I was happy, yet terrified and a little resentful. I was 23 but didn't have a job nor any legal status yet, and my husband was working in retail. We were renting a one-bedroom apartment. We were poor. We weren't ready. But I knew it was a blessing. I'm thankful every day for him because he changed our life in so many ways, but all for the better... When the initial shock wore off, we started planning on how we were going to do this, and I'm glad we did.

With that said, even though I believe that "children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward" (Psalms 127:3), I don't think I could ever pull a Michelle Duggar. I believe that every child should be loved and cared for, and as a mother, I don't think I could give enough attention to every single baby of mine if I had, I don't know, 10 or more...Yep.

On the other hand, I whole-heartedly believe in adoption. I know many amazing families whose lives were blessed because they could adopt. My amazing SIL and her husband adopted both of their beautiful children and not for a second you would think that she's not their real mother. Because she is. It's not the blood that makes you a parent... And their kids are a part of the family just as much as our boys. We never thought of them any differently. Adoption can give life to children who wouldn't have it otherwise and can make them truly happy and loved...

But somehow, the situation above feels unsettling... I guess, I just can't wrap my head around it. I do understand that a child needs much more than just financial stability... But what about this child when he/she grows up? What would he/she think? My head is spinning...

So what are your thoughts? Do you think it's a selfish or a selfless act?


  1. If they were in the one and done group why did they not have surgery to make sure no more children would come their way :( I don't know why in the world a mother could or would do this but that baby should be with a family that will love it. Sorta feels like I bought this new outfit but don't like how it looks on me so I will just give it away. At least she is willing to carry this blessing from God, so many don't :(

    1. Yes, at least she doesn't just get rid of it... This baby will definitely bless somebody else's life if not theirs. But your first question was the one I had the first time I've read it. If they were so set on not having any more children, why wait for three years to consider "snip-snip" for her husband... With any birth control, there is a risk... I just don't know...

  2. If the child is truly not wanted, adoption may be the way to go. But she's only 10 weeks pregnant and she has not met the baby yet. I think her feelings will change.

  3. This is a minefield, Lena :( Just because most people are ABLE to have children doesn't mean they SHOULD. IMHO the best person to make a decision about that is the woman/couple involved. Not sure what she was thinking asking for opinions in a public forum :(

    In a perfect world, our families/friends/communities would be there to help and support; in reality, young families are often criticized and then mostly ignored, as if the raising of their children will never impact anyone else. Duh.

    1. That' so true. I think, she just wanted to see what other people would think... This baby will undoubtedly bless somebody else, the family who will devote themselves to him and love him or her with all their hearts if he/she can't get it from the birth mother...

  4. I too believe in adoption, but I am not sure what your question is. I think any person who gives their heart and home to a child is a guardian to them, parent or not. About that couple you linked to, money has some to do with bringing up a child, but it isn't all. We see kids from rich parents who wouldn't be the wiser if you thought them orphans, and you have children from dirt poor families who have more family values than a group of 90-year-old grannies with more great-grandkids than fingers. If they truly cannot love the children, then give them a chance with a loving family. You cant force love. Now, I would have an issue if they were doing this for money... just popping babies they have no intention of taking care of, just to sell them off like crafts. But they planned ahead not to have any more, and this one happened. Might've been a blessing to them, but if their heart is not into it, then I admire their decision to let the child live and pursue a life of happiness in another home.

    1. Hon, I wish I knew what my question is :) It just something I lost sleep over in the past couple of days... Maybe, my feelings and emotions are still raw from my miscarriage in January... But I just can't phantom to carry this baby for 9 months, feel every kick and hiccup, and than just give it away because it doesn't fit your life or expectations. I think, my biggest question is more about the children than parents. How would they explain it to their 3-year old who will, for sure, look forward to the birth of a little brother or sister? That the baby died? And the actual baby - he will always feel rejected by his real parents because he was a "bother"? My Dad's Dad took off from his wife and son because he didn't want responsibility when my Dad was 5, and that hole of rejection in my Dad's heart never healed... With any birth control, there is a risk. I just don't know...

  5. Boy, this one is tough. I do commend her for at least just considering adoption and not abortion. I can understand her feelings, but I agree with you, I would not do it. I have a special needs child and another with developmental delays, so the possibility of having a third with specials needs (and the fact that I am no spring chicken!!) is very likely for us, so I can relate to that part of the situation. I think I would consider it God's will and blessing, and then make sure that either I or my husband "got fixed" so it didn't happen again.

    1. Yes, I agree. At least, she wants to bless somebody else's life by giving them a child they could never have otherwise...

  6. This is a hard one and I see both sides to it. As a mom, I cannot fathom ever giving away my child. I would judge this lady for that.

    However, I do agree that this child is much better off in a home where he or she is wanted.

    1. Yes, that's how I feel too... My heart has just been aching over it for the past couple of days... I think, I've been hugging my boys twice as often lately:)

  7. I think the heart is "deceitfully wicked, who can know it?" I found out I was pregnant with my
    third child when my second was 12wks old. My husband had had a vasectomy. He didn't want
    to go make sure he was shooting blanks. I didn't insist he go.

    Needless to say I was not happy. I did not want to be pregnant nor, did I want another baby.
    The entire pregnancy I did not look forward to the birth of my child.

    His birth brought more grief as he was born with a cleft lip. His first week of life was quite
    an emotional roller coaster for me. I felt such a need to protect him from the pain of others.
    Too, I felt overwhelmed and, angry to have not only another baby; but, a baby with health
    His first week of life was difficult, as he had sucking issues. Then he started projectile vomiting.
    I ended up taking him to the emergency room as, I was worried about dehydration. The Dr.
    took an x-ray and, told me he had a bowel that was crimped and would need emergency
    surgery. I was told that there wasn't a qualified surgeon in town. That one would be in,
    in the morning to see my son.

    He was around 8 days old. Up until that point my heart was all over the place
    concerning him/me. After the Dr. left the room tears welled up in my eyes. I said a prayer
    that I didn't even know was in my heart. "Lord, you gave me this baby. Please don't take
    him from me now." At that moment all I could think of was I don't want to loose my baby.
    Fear set in and, I prayed over my son most of the night. He was a trooper because he wasn't
    able to be fed.

    In the morning the specialist came in, looked at the x-ray and said, "There is nothing wrong with
    your son." "Feed him." I did and, he never had projectile vomiting again. God is so good to me!

    I named my son Matthew. At the time I hadn't looked up the meaning of the name. That was
    28 years ago so information wasn't easy to come by. Yet, I later learned that Matthew means
    gift of God. :)

    He truly is/was a gift. He was such a joy to parent. He parented himself. He was wise
    beyond his years. He grew up to be a minister. He currently has a Masters degree in Psychology.
    He plans to continue until he has a Doctorate in this field. He wants this degree to be an
    effective Pastor. God had a plan and, I am so grateful he helped me see the truth of my heart.

    There are so many voices that speak into our lives. Many of these voices bring fear, doubt, selfishness,
    and, confusion. The trouble is we start to believe the lie that these voices are who we are.
    That is where God shows up and, reminds us that we are his child. He knows the truth.
    Once he sets us back on the right path, peace, joy and overwhelming gratitude, are what is
    truly in the heart of his children. :)

    1. Naina, what a beautiful and inspiring story of your life! Thank you so much for sharing! I applaud you and bow to you for your faith, for love that you had for your son despite struggles, doubts and pains. You are such an amazing mother! I know, God doesn't make mistakes and He doesn't give us more than we can handle. I see it in the eyes of my boy every single day...

  8. Wow, now you've got me thinking about this subject. Yikes!
    I will just say that every single baby ever conceived deserves to be wanted, cherished, adored. I wish babies weren't so easily a horrible inconvenience to people. They are such miracles. Each and everyone of them. This baby deserves to be wanted too, even if it means a different set of parents caring for it... I'm with one of the above commentors though. I think she'll start to feel differently as the baby grows; I hope. What an odd thing to post to a forum. Wow!

  9. Having Kazi was a real turning point in my life. I was in my final year of university with dreams of earning a Masters, then a PhD in Visual Arts, travelling the world researching romanesque art and architecture when I learned I was pregnant. My reaction was pure joy! I was 33 and didn't think I was ever going to have children. It meant changing my plans - I enrolled in Teacher's College instead of going for my Masters - and never regretted it for an instant. I'm so glad to have her in my life and we've had such a wonderful life together. I wouldn't change a thing.

  10. Lena, i totally understand where you are coming from. I am trying to wrap my head aroud this too...honestly I think its selfish, not selfless.


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